


and no one else

by nebulousviolet



Series: aftg character studies [11]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Gen, Relationship Study, Religion, lowercase abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 03:07:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12448407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nebulousviolet/pseuds/nebulousviolet
Summary: Neil will never understand Renee.





	and no one else

**Author's Note:**

> i am so sorry for the absence! the academic year has kicked my arse, the creative juices havent been flowing, i’ve been thru a messy breakup, and my tumblr’s been dryer than a desert. hopefully this marks a new beginning? #prayforcourtney  
> as usual babes, this is for my homegirl hadia, and also for lydia, whose kindness and devotion to religion inspired this portrayal of renee.

“bloodstains are impossible to get out,” renee comments one day, a violent change of subject. “there are things from my past that are drenched scarlet.”  
“are you being literal?” neil asks. she smiles sadly.  
“it’s bloody all the same,” she remarks cryptically, and her eyes are very dark.

neil thinks of the scarring on his cheek.

“maybe so,” he agrees, and she looks at him. “sometimes you just have to throw it away.”  
“what if you can’t?” renee asks, and his face throbs.  
“then you make do,” he decides, and she glances down through her lashes. “and that’s always harder.”  
“you’re right,” she says, and she looks at the cross on her throat with longing.

he wishes he wasn’t right.

*

neil will never understand renee. he will never understand her devotion to religion, will never understand the darkness she still refuses to fully let go of, will never understand how she can be so pious and _know_ what goes on in this world without divine intervention. but he understands parts of her. perhaps that is enough.

*

“do you ever worry,” he wonders one day. “that your belief will not save you when the day of judgement comes?”

renee bites her lip, and he knows it means she does.

“i have to hope,” she answers. “that god will guide me in the right direction. that he saw my suffering and the suffering i inflicted and chose to bring me to stephanie. i choose to believe that there was a decision that brought me here, and that god knows i am capable of redemption.”  
“what if you question your faith?” he asks. “what do you have then?”  
“i have andrew, and stephanie, and allison, and you,” she says after a moment. “without god, i still have people to believe in. but my faith guides me. if i question god, then i question who my belief in god helped me become.”  
“i think we make our own choices,” he tells her. “and even if you disagree, i think it was you who chose to be who you are. nobody else. it’s possible a god may have presented you with the opportunity, but you took it.”

renee smiles tremulously.

“that’s more credit than i deserve,” she says. “but thank you.”

*

“how do you and renee get along when she believes in everything and you believe in nothing?” neil asks andrew. “you get a question after this, if you answer.”

andrew considers, eyes lidded and painted buttery gold in the dying light.

“the two aren’t as different as they appear,” he finally says. “and you’re putting more to it than there is.”

neil privately disagrees.

*

“there’s cruelty in divinity,” renee admits. “you have to believe that people suffer for a reason, but you feel terrible for that belief. it’s hard to have a faith in humanity and a faith in god. sometimes, it gets too much to bear.”  
“is that why you helped jean?” neil presses.  
“yes,” she eventually replies. “i think that’s why i helped jean.”

they look at each other, and renee looks both old and young.

*

“here’s the thing,” she bursts out. “i see so much corruption. so much pride in faith. so many people claiming to love god and getting money and praise for it. what if i’m a fake? what if i’m secretly only doing all of this for attention?”  
“you’re a better fucking liar than the preachers on tv,” neil remarks, sitting on the church steps with a cigarette in his hand. “you’re fooling andrew and me.”

_renee’s a sweetheart. be nice to her._

“i wake up at night and i think, _i’ve had enough_ ,” she whispers, close to tears. “what if i do give up? what if i am too weak of faith?”  
“that won’t happen,” neil assures, and he truly believes it.

*

“i heard you and renee are having mothers’ meetings,” andrew says one day.  
“it’s not about you,” neil replies, and andrew doesn’t comment on it again.

*

“i still don’t believe in god,” he tells her.  
“i know,” renee laughs, tucking her rainbow-tinted hair behind her ear. “i don’t blame you.”  
“i believe in you, though,” neil admits, and she lets out a surprised sound before composing herself.  
“good,” she announces. “the feeling’s mutual.”

renee walks away, and neil has an abject feeling of calm.

they’re okay.

**Author's Note:**

> u kno the drill babes. VALIDATE ME via comment or i whoop ur ass. at least leave a kudos u snake. find me on tumblr kids: bookishplays


End file.
